Jokes in English

edited October 2011 in Humour
A train compartment. A family: a small daughter, her mother and grandma. The fourth passenger is a Georgian. The mother starts feeding a soft-boiled egg to the daughter with a silver spoon. Grandma: "Don't you know that eggs can spoil silver?" — "Who would have known!", thinks the Georgian and replaces his silver cigarette case from the front pants pocket to the back one.

Comments

  • edited May 2012
    Three tomatoes are walking down the street - a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Poppa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and smooshes him... and says:
    -"Catch up!"
  • It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that had formed in front of the store by 8:30 am, the store's opening time.

    A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud complaints. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, & knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.

    As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I'm not opening the store!"
  • A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first intermission he had to take a leak in the meanest way, so he hurried to find the bathrooms.

    He searched in vain for the bathrooms, but he finally found a beautiful fountain with foliage, and nobody was watching, so he decided to take a leak right there.

    When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun. He searched in the dark until he found his wife. "Did I miss much of the second act?" he asked.

    "Miss it?" she said, "You were in it!"
  • Dialog between George Bush & Condoleeza Rice:

    Condoleeza Rice: "Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China."
    George: "Great. Lay it on me."
    Condoleeza: "'Hu' is the new leader of China."
    George: "That's what I want to know."
    Condoleeza: "That's what I'm telling you."
    George: "That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?"
    Condoleeza: "Yes."
    George: "I mean the fellow's name."
    Condoleeza: "Hu."
    George: "The guy in China."
    Condoleeza: "Hu."
    George: "The new leader of China."
    Condoleeza: "Hu."
    George: "The Chinaman!"
    Condoleeza: "Hu is leading China."
    George: "Now whaddya' asking me for?"
    Condoleeza: "I'm telling you Hu is leading China."
    George: "Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?"
    Condoleeza: "That's the man's name."
    George: "That's who's name?"
    Condoleeza: "Yes."
    George: "Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?"
    Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."
    George: "Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East."
    Condoleeza: "That's correct."
    George: "Then who is in China?"
    Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."
    George: "Yassir is in China?"
    Condoleeza: "No, sir."
    George: "Then who is?"
    Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."
    George: "Yassir?"
    Condoleeza: "No, sir."
    George: "Look, Condoleeza. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone."
    Condoleeza: "Kofi?"
    George: "No, thanks."
    Condoleeza: "You want Kofi?"
    George: "No."
    Condoleeza: "You don't want Kofi."
    George: "No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
    And then get me the U.N."
    Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."
    George: "Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N."
    Condoleeza: "Kofi?"
    George: "Milk! Will you please make the call?"
    Condoleeza: "And call who?"
    George: "Who is the guy at the U.N?"
    Condoleeza: "Hu is the guy in China."
    George: "Will you stay out of China?!"
    Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."
    George: "And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N."
    Condoleeza: "Kofi."
    George: "All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone."
  • — Hello, are you there?
    — Yes, who are you please?
    — I'm Watt.
    — What's your name?
    — Watt's my name.
    — Yes, what's your name?
    — My name is John Watt.
    — John what?
    — Yes, are you Jones?
    — No I'm Knott.
    — Will you tell me your name then?
    — Will Knott.
    — Why not?
    — My name is Knott.
    — Not what?
    — Not Watt, Knott.
    — What?
  • Soft kitty, warm kitty
    Little ball of fur
    Happy kitty sleepy kitty
    Purr purr purr

    * * *

    Hard kitty, cold kitty
    Little ball of steel
    Evil kitty, angry kitty
    Kill, kill, kill!
  • Me no worry
    Me no care
    Me go marry millionaire
    If he dies me no cry
    Me go marry another guy!
  • Dust if you must, but wouldn’t it be better
    To paint a picture or write a letter,
    Bake a cake or plant a seed,
    Ponder the difference between want and need?

    Dust if you must, but there's not much time,
    With rivers to swim and mountains to climb,
    Music to hear, and books to read,
    Friends to cherish and life to lead.

    Dust if you must, but the world’s out there,
    With the sun in your eyes, the wind in your hair,
    A flutter of snow, a shower of rain.
    This day will not come round again.

    Dust if you must, but bear in mind,
    Old age will come and it’s not kind.
    And when you go - and go you must -
    You, yourself, will make more dust.

    by Rose Milligan
  • - hey
    - wanna see some magic?
    - yeah
    - well look, you see this R?
    and now it's Я
    - Impossibru!!! How did u do that?
    - See this N?
    N -> И
    - How?!
    - I'll tell u this secret if u promise not to tell anybody
    - I promise
    - I'm Russian
  • Now I lay me down to sleep is a classic children's bedtime prayer from the 18th century.

    Now I lay me down to sleep,
    I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
    If I shall die when I'm wake
    I pray the Lord my soul to take,
    Amen.
  • A telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia:

    Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
    Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
    RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
    G: "Uh..yes..I’d like some bacon and eggs."
    RS: "Ow July den?"
    G: "What??"
    RS: "Ow July den?…pryed, boyud, poochd?"
    G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
    RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
    G: "Crisp will be fine."
    RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
    G: "What?"
    RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"
    G: "I don’t think so."
    RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
    G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what ‘judo wan sahn toes’ means."
    RS: "Toes! Toes!…Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
    G: "English muffin!! I’ve got it! You were saying ‘Toast.’ Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
    RS: "We bodder?"
    G: "No…just put the bodder on the side."
    RS: "Wad?"
    G: "I mean butter…just put it on the side."
    RS: "Copy?"
    G: "Excuse me?"
    RS: "Copy…tea…meel?"
    G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that’s all."
    RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy….rye??"
    G: "Whatever you say."
    RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
    G: "You are very welcome".
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